Notes on the Depression Virus

curses, energetic medicine & why I've been away so long

Francesca Woodman, “Blueprint for a Temple (II),” 1980.

“Silence is so accurate.”
― Mark Rothko

I’m sorry for taking so long to write. I’ve been down with what my doctor calls the “depression virus.” 

I didn’t know I was at risk for the depression virus or that it was even a thing before my doctor — let’s call him Dr A — delivered this news. Honestly, I still don’t know what kind of medicine Dr A practices. Whenever I ask him, he smiles and says something about energetics and being related to chiropractic medicine.  

Doctor A asks me to hold out my hand. This is what he does: He asks me to hold out one hand while I squeeze the other, as he sets a collection of glass vials against my stomach. We go for a few rounds, with him switching out the vials after each squeeze, mumbling something under his breath. 

He discovers my virus during our second session. He’s checking the progress of my heavy metal detox. The metal’s still there, but I’m doing better, thank you. 

“Hold out your hand,” he instructs me,” Let’s see if you’ve picked up any curses—Great! No curses. Just the depression virus.” 

He then proceeds with a light message, picks up an instrument that looks like a mallet, and strikes it three times against my back — click, click, click.  Maybe it was more than that, but I like the number three.

“Have you been having negative thoughts?”

Yes! Mind reader! What magic is this? I have been having negative thoughts and somewhere, in the back of my mind, I was starting to believe that this sadness was a curse. In fact, the night before my visit I said a prayer asking for someone to tell me I wasn’t cursed, if this was in fact the case. 

The thing about curses, a great magician once explained, is that most people trick themselves into believing they’re cursed. 

“All you have to do is stop talking. I’ve cursed maybe two people in my life. The rest of them — they’ve convinced themselves.” 

I ask Doctor A what he would do if I was cursed. He just laughs. Not like it’s funny. More like I haven’t reached the level in our apprenticeship where I can handle this knowledge.

I then ask him what I can do for the depression virus. He tells me to practice my breathing exercises and that the clicks should help. 

---

Never start with an apology.  Instead, thank people for their patience. It’s the more confident approach. 

I heard that somewhere. And it resonates. My whole life I’ve been apologizing to people, and it’s never gotten me further than people telling me to, “stop apologizing.” 

Thanks for your patience, friends. Some of you pay for this writing, and I’m sorry I’ve let you down. Please rest assured that there will be more interviews and podcasts on the way shortly. 

In the meantime, I’m sending big hugs to all of you out there also touched by the depression virus. Being human is hard. It’s good we can be here for each other.

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